headed down the wrong track

What does the ben sorer u'moreh do that is so wrong?  Because he steals a little food and drink he is chayav skilah?  Ramban explains:

והנה יש עליו שני עונשין, האחד שהוא מקלה אביו ואמו וממרה בהם, והשני שהוא זולל וסובא, עובר על מה שנצטוינו: קדושים תהיו (ויקרא י״ט:ב׳), ונאמר עוד: ואותו תעבודו ובו תדבקון (דברים י״ג:ה׳), כאשר פרשתי (רמב״ן דברים ו׳:י״ג), ושנצטוינו לדעת השם בכל דרכינו, וזולל וסובא לא ידעו דרך י״י.

It's not the stealing of the food and the gluttony per se which does the ben sorer u'moreh in.  It's what that behavior is indicative of.  Someone who lives the ben sorer u'more lifestyle is guilty of violating "kedoshim ti'hiyu," of violating "bo tidbakun," of failing to try "la'daat es Hashem." 

R' Chaim Friedlander in the Sifsei Chaim is bothered by this statement of Ramban.  How many of us in our day to day lives behave in ways that are completely consistent with the ideals of kedusha, dveikus, emulating Hashem's midos?  And I deliberately use the term ideals, because to some extent that's what these are.  We try our best, but for those of us who are not tzadikim, putting these mitzvos into day to day practice is a challenge.  So why are we knocking a 13 year old for not living up to them?  

The Sifsei Chaim answers that it's not the failure to live up to the ideals which is what we take the ben sorer u'moreh to task for.  It's for failing to *aspire* to live up to them, for lacking the desire to live up to them.  He quotes from the mashgiach R' Chatzkel Levenstein that sometimes you miss the train, so you have to take a different train, or a train on a different track, or a train at a different time.  Sometimes you have to transfer once or even multiple times.  Those who take the LIRR from the 5 Towns to NYC know that some trains goes to Penn, some to Grand Central, and so sometimes you have to switch lines at Jamaica or elsewhere to get to your destination.  And if there is a problem that day, sometimes you need to hop on a subway, or make some other change.  No matter what steps you take, there is one ironclad rule -- you will never get to NYC if the train you get on is headed towards Far Rockaway or Long Island.  A train headed eastbound will never get you to a westbound destination.  We all face challenges in living up to the ideals of kedusha, dveikus, etc.  Some of us are on an express and get there quickly, some of us are on a local, some of us need to re-route ourselves a few times along the way.  But we are at least headed in the right direction.  We at least want to get there.  The ben sorer u'moreh is headed the opposite way, and he doesn't want to turn around.  The longer he sits on the train, the further he will get from where he should be.  Mutav she'yamus zakai and not wait until the end of the line.

With this yesod we can better understand the smichus ha'parshiyos between the eishes yefat to'ar and the ben sorer u'moreh.  Rashi at the beginning of the parsha tells us:

אבל אם נשאה, סופו להיות שונאה, שנאמר אחריו: כי תהיינהא לאיש וגומ׳, וסופו להוליד ממנה בן סורר ומורה. לכך נסמכו פרשיות הללו.

This is not magic, but is an inevitable consequence of a less than ideal home structure.  Ibn Ezra points to the fact that elsewhere, e.g. the parsha of the mekalel at the end of Emor, the Torah makes a point of mentioning the mother of someone who does wrong, because a poor motherly upbringing can have a tremendous negative impact.  ונסמכה זאת בעבור אשת יפת תאר (דברים כ״א:י״א). והעד: ושם אמו  The Torah mentions that Aharon married Elisheva bas Aminadav because in that case having a great mother led to Aharon having great children.  

What is it that a good wife brings to a family that a yefat to'ar or a bad wife does not?  Tanna d'Bei Eliyahu (ch 9) tells us אין לך כשרה בנשים אלא אשה שעושה רצון בעלה.  Sometimes a husband comes home from work exhausted from a long, hard day and wants nothing more than to eat some dinner and collapse on the couch.  The last thing on his mind is going to the beis medrash to learn.  He has no רצון!  What he aspires to is relaxation, not a blatt gemara.  The L. Rebbe (Likutei Sichos vol 4 p 1069, end of Balak) explains that this is what Chazal are telling us. אשה שעושה רצון בעלה.  A good wife awakens in her husband the ratzon that he is lacking.  A good wife will kick her husband off the couch and out of the house to go learn.  She will point him in the right direction and give him the push that he needs.

Like the Sifsei Chaim teaches, the ben sorer u'moreh is a person who lacks ratzon, who lacks the desire to do better and grow.  He heads away from, not toward, kedusha and dveikus.  That comes from growing up in a home where there is a lack of אשה שעושה רצון בעלה, a wife, a mother, who can create that desire, that ratzon, in her husband and in her children.   A yefat to'ar, a woman that is taken when a person is overcome with a desire of taavah, the wrong kind of desire, is not such a wife and mother.

We say multiple times a day in ashrei רצון יראיו יעשׂה.  When a person has yiras shamayim, Hashem steps in to help out and give him/her the ratzon to grow and do more.  The Shem m'Shmuel (Pinchas) writes: בגמ' שבת (קי"ח:) כל המענג את השבת נותנין לו משאלות לבו הפי' אצלי שנותנין דעת ללב לידע מה ישאל:  To know what to ask for, what to aspire to, to at least be on the right track headed in the right direction, is one of the greatest gifts Hashem can give us.  We say again and again this time of year אחת שׁאלתי...אותה אבקשׁ.  Even if we are not at this moment holding on the level of שׁבתי בּבּית ה׳, if that is our bakasha and shei'la from Hashem, if that is our ratzon and aspiration, then we are at least headed in the right direction.