By coincidence something happened to me this week that gave me an insight into Rachel's complaint to Yaakov in the parsha "hava li banim" and Yaakov's angry response, and then I found that the Ohr haChaim beat me to saying it. Rachel obviously knew Yaakov could not wave a magic wand and give her a child. What was she asking of him? Many of the meforshim, starting with Rashi, explain that Rachel was asking Yaakov to daven for her. So why did Yaakov respond so angrily? Chazal are in fact critical of Yaakov's response, for his not showing mercy, but it is impossible to believe that Yaakov was really that callous and there was no justification at all for his reaction.
The answer in one word that my wife likes to use for things like this is "grubby." "Hava" is a demand; it's saying "gimme." It's like the tzedaka collectors who come around and will not hesitate to literally throw the $ you give them back in your face if it does not meet their expectations of what you should give. "Hava!" your donation.
If you have a relationship with someone, that's not how you speak. There is a big difference between a request, a "Please help me...," and a "Gimme..."
The Zohar writes that someone who uses davening just as a means of asking G-d for their personal needs is like a dog barking "hav hav," give, give. It's that same word: hav = hava. The relationship with G-d becomes one of need fulfillment rather than the need fulfillment being a product of having a healthy relationship that leads to one side caring and giving to the other.
Make no mistake, I don't think that was Rachel's intention. Her intent was, as the meforshim explain, that Yaakov should have mercy and daven for her the way davening should be done. Nonetheless, her choice of words was off and that is what angered Yaakov.
The Ohr haChaim puts it succinctly:
גם לפי שאמרה הבה לי וגו׳ ולא אמרה התפלל עלי.
-- "Rachel...knew Yaakov could not wave a magic wand and give her a child"
ReplyDeletedoesn't he wave a magic makal at 30:37? which seems to do the trick...
-- "Yaakov should...daven for her"
but hadn't, for to do so would not agree with the express intentions of Yitzchak his father, who told Yaakov to take one wife, isha, from the daughters of Lavan (28:2), and be >blessed through her< (28:3)...
-- "her choice of words was off"
Yaakov had been forward with his kiss, 29:11; Rachel, from that first impression, would now be forward with her request for children
"and that is what angered Yaakov."
but so goes the rule of midah k'neged midah: >"hava"< es-ishti, said he (29:21).
{oy va'avoy, our rabbi leaves out 'the good part', whatever it was that "happened to me this week"...}